it's only me (smileyfaced) wrote,
it's only me
smileyfaced

i know it's me.

so i finally figured out "what i am".......


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder

AND

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

(especially that weird thing about the telephone phobia.)


also, we had a bad storm here this weekend. lots of loud thunder and scary lightning (another major phobia of mine). it was about 5 o'clock in the morning, and i was in the middle of a terrible nightmare about jumping from a plane and landing in some ocean or lake. whoever told me to jump never told me i would have to be in the water for such a long time. i started to panic in my dream and then, even as i was feeling that i was beginning to drown, i awoke to window-rattling thunder. tony was covering my ears in a sweet and lovely attempt to comfort me, but by that time my anxieties had taken a hold of me. i began to cry uncontrollably, like when i was 4 years old. i felt like a baby, but the crying was completely involuntary. i had to sit up in bed with the light on and watch a movie for about an hour before i could go back to sleep. ridiculous.

my panic attacks have gotten so much worse since high school. i mean, when i was a little girl, i had panic attacks all the time and i cried so much. even as i got older, i always had these anxieties that hindered my social interactions and many activities i participated in. but just when i thought i had grown out of most of it....just when i thought i had finally become an adult and could handle my own shit....i've reverted back into this blubbering little girl i used to be. i feel like an idiot.
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ugh.
I. know. what. you. mean.
very much so.

In the last year, ny panic attacks have reared their ugly heads again. I had them a lot as a kid, too. Uncontrollable crying, etc... Yeah. I feel like a baby.
I'm looking into EMDR therapy. I'm so worn out, I'm ready to try anything, just about.

It's nice to know that other people know what it's like, because sometimes it can feel so isolating.
i have a very good friend who did EMDR and it helped her A LOT.
you are so right about the isolating feeling. i'm not sure what to do yet about it. i mean, i don't know if i could handle any therapy right now. it's too frightening in itself. maybe if i had some health insurance i would look into medication, but i know that's only a temporary fix anyway. i dunno.

on a lighter note, let us know when/if you ever get to come to charlotte. you'll totally have a place to stay.
man i have telephone phobia. i always feel so bad but i just can't answer the phone. it's just too hard for me to talk to someone.
exactly. i only use text now. i never answer a call if i don't know the number, and i rarely answer a call if i do know it. my boss even knows to text me now if she wants me to do something. i hardly ever return her voicemails.
I don't think you're an idiot, I've had problems with anxiety most of my adult life, since I started getting migraines and not sleeping when I was 16. You'll find a way to handle it, whether it's with medicine, journaling, or a particular lifestyle. Just try lots of things. I have faith in you, Jessie!
thank you for your kind and supportive words. i appreciate you, friend.