(especially that weird thing about the telephone phobia.)
also, we had a bad storm here this weekend. lots of loud thunder and scary lightning (another major phobia of mine). it was about 5 o'clock in the morning, and i was in the middle of a terrible nightmare about jumping from a plane and landing in some ocean or lake. whoever told me to jump never told me i would have to be in the water for such a long time. i started to panic in my dream and then, even as i was feeling that i was beginning to drown, i awoke to window-rattling thunder. tony was covering my ears in a sweet and lovely attempt to comfort me, but by that time my anxieties had taken a hold of me. i began to cry uncontrollably, like when i was 4 years old. i felt like a baby, but the crying was completely involuntary. i had to sit up in bed with the light on and watch a movie for about an hour before i could go back to sleep. ridiculous.
my panic attacks have gotten so much worse since high school. i mean, when i was a little girl, i had panic attacks all the time and i cried so much. even as i got older, i always had these anxieties that hindered my social interactions and many activities i participated in. but just when i thought i had grown out of most of it....just when i thought i had finally become an adult and could handle my own shit....i've reverted back into this blubbering little girl i used to be. i feel like an idiot.