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i'm an overdue book lurking under your couch.   
02:53pm 28/12/2009
mood: pensive
i'm not sure why i'm even on here anymore. i never write anything. i think it's been almost a year since i last posted.

life is just life. it just is.
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08:31pm 28/01/2009
  ...this idea is from Carlie [info]treestarz

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!*
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done SOON.
- You have no clue what it's going to be. I may bake you something and mail it to you. I might sew or draw something. I might paint something.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well, if you expect me to do something for you!

*It might help if you tell me three things you like. Ie, chocolate, snakes, and puffy clouds. WHO KNOWS I might actually combine the three into some horrible chocolate puffsnake.

I will not respond back till I have made your item and am ready to mail it off. Please include your mailing address in your comment.
fuck you too   
08:11pm 28/01/2009
mood: shit fuck
i'm so tired of the bullshit. i feel like i'm swimming in it. and it stinks. and i'm not a very good swimmer. i hate people who cause unnecessary problems.

when do things get easier? when i'm DEAD????
holidays are over   
03:01pm 02/01/2009
mood: cheerful
we had a really good xmas break. went to the lake and stayed with my family for a few days. got lots of nice gifts...like a 26 inch HDTV!! then spent a couple days catching up with friends in cleveland. going home is always bittersweet for me now. i love my family and my friends and the flat, delta land. i get really sad when i have to leave it all again. but my allergies tell me that i could never ever live there again! tony and i spent the entire holiday being sick as dogs. sinus congestion, headaches, coughing, allergies, and mucus like crazy! love the delta, hate the allergens.

new years was good too. stayed home and drank margaritas all night. new year's resolution: i'm going veg! that's right. no more meat for me. (although i had to be honest with tony and say i might have to cheat when it comes to red lobster. i love seafood!) so wish me luck! no more hamburgers....
you're innocent when you dream   
01:00pm 22/11/2008
mood: sick
been sick lately which means i've been having wild dreams again. my dreams always go crazy when i'm sick. this time i dreamed about a car wreck in which four teenage girls died. the girl in the driver's seat was the worst looking one with her jaw broken and split from her head. blood oozed out the sides of her now gigantic mouth. the two girls in the back seat were curled up into balls with panic on their lifeless faces. the girl in the passenger seat had one bare foot hanging out of the windshield. this wreck was in the middle of a parking lot of a mall, and people walked by aimlessly without even trying to help. i could see the girls' limbs twitching as they died, especially the one with the foot out the window. it was too late to save any of them, but nobody even tried. there were no police or medics around. everyone just walking past and trying not to look into the disgusting mess that used to be a car of teenagers. i tried not to look, but couldn't help staring at the girl's broken jaw.


then i dreamed that lexie and brasher came to charlotte to visit us. tony was at work still, and i had to meet them at some smoothie place. i had caesar (our dog) with me, so i couldn't go into the place. i told lexie to just order me an orange mocha tea shake (or something just as weird-sounding). then they both tried to get me to order something else because they were convinced it would be disgusting. i told them no, that actually it's really great. so they went in and got our drinks and we sat outside and talked. then i realized i had a presentation i was supposed to make for work in front of all of my coworkers and i had to leave.
just a thing   
08:03pm 17/11/2008
mood: whatever whatever
so i don't think i ever mentioned that i'm taking meds now for my anxiety problems. i can tell a difference in my daily life. i don't have as many panic attacks, and i'm not crying over everything anymore. on the down side, i feel like a zombie most of the time. like i don't have feelings anymore. i just exist. i don't get super happy or super sad or super excited. i live somewhere in the middle now. it's ok for the moment. it's just what i need to get me through this transitional period. but i foresee a day when i won't take these anymore. and i'll have real feelings again. i'll actually be alive.

i'm hoping tony and i can go on a nice little trip to the coast for thanksgiving. my aunt and uncle reserved some place out there and now can't go, so they offered the trip to us instead. hopefully it will be as good as it sounds. i love thanksgiving.
08:33am 13/11/2008
  treestarz has tagged me to..

List ten songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but that must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your ten songs. Then tag ten other people to see what they're listening to.

Here are my answers: (in no particular order)

* "Green Grass" by Tom Waits
* "Ask Her For Water" by T-Model Ford (the Tail-Dragger from Greenville, MS, ya'll!)
* "The Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel
* "Life After Love" by Sexy
* "Chuck E's in Love" by Rickie Lee Jones
* "Gloria" by Patti Smith
* "Tyco Racing Set and A Christmas Stocking" by Kind of Like Spitting
* "Moon River" by Dr. John
* "Devil With Blue Suede Shoes" by Chuck E. Weiss
* "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis" by Tom Waits (everything begins and ends with Tom Waits!)

Go ahead, your turn:

you're just too scary.   
08:25am 02/10/2008
mood: scared
i'm just scared all the time. i had a dream that a crazy killer man was chasing me and tony all around this crowded mall and parking lot. and we were just trying to hide in a sea of faces so he couldn't find us. i kept saying we have to run! we have to make a break for it. but every time i wanted to run, there weren't any people to hide us and we could have been easily spotted. this guy was tricky...he was everywhere.

now i have to go to the doctor, and i'm scared. i don't like to go to doctors. i don't like to sit alone in a waiting room full of people who look at you. and then when they call your name, you have to walk across that room with everyone looking at you. then you have to tell a doctor what's wrong with you and it makes me feel like i'm complaining about stupid shit. and then you have to pay the doctor a lot of money. and i don't have a lot of money. i don't want this to cost me too much. i'm afraid it will.
home alone insurance (always read the fine print)   
12:43pm 04/09/2008
mood: depressed
i'm sick so i stayed home today. there must be some weird kind of virus going around that causes people to get migraines because i've had one for 3 days now, and my aunt said she did too. i just feel like shit today. i couldn't focus on anything yesterday. i hope it goes away soon. i feel it in my teeth.

my mom called at 10:00 last night to say they were evacuating their house because all of greenville was flooding. they had about 4 inches of water in the living area and 6 inches in my old bedroom and bathroom because that part of the house is lower than the rest. they were loading all the stuff they could load into the truck to take with them to mamaw's house. the rest they put up in the attic. she said they had flood insurance, so she was hoping that would cover everything; but i just found out today that the insurance won't cover their contents. what the fuck? so all the new bedroom stuff they just bought for the guest room, the bathroom they just finished remodeling, the new carpet that was just put in, my great grandmother's dining room table and china cabinet are all ruined. and i have no idea what else. i hope they had enough time to move all the photos and the home movies. not to mention all of my dad's business files (his entire business is in that house), and his music equipment. we are supposed to be going to Chattanooga with them in october for a vacation. i hope it doesn't put them in too much of a monetary bind now.

this goddamn rain.
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i know it's me.   
06:10pm 19/08/2008
  so i finally figured out "what i am".......




(especially that weird thing about the telephone phobia.)

also, we had a bad storm here this weekend. lots of loud thunder and scary lightning (another major phobia of mine). it was about 5 o'clock in the morning, and i was in the middle of a terrible nightmare about jumping from a plane and landing in some ocean or lake. whoever told me to jump never told me i would have to be in the water for such a long time. i started to panic in my dream and then, even as i was feeling that i was beginning to drown, i awoke to window-rattling thunder. tony was covering my ears in a sweet and lovely attempt to comfort me, but by that time my anxieties had taken a hold of me. i began to cry uncontrollably, like when i was 4 years old. i felt like a baby, but the crying was completely involuntary. i had to sit up in bed with the light on and watch a movie for about an hour before i could go back to sleep. ridiculous.

my panic attacks have gotten so much worse since high school. i mean, when i was a little girl, i had panic attacks all the time and i cried so much. even as i got older, i always had these anxieties that hindered my social interactions and many activities i participated in. but just when i thought i had grown out of most of it....just when i thought i had finally become an adult and could handle my own shit....i've reverted back into this blubbering little girl i used to be. i feel like an idiot.
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04:17pm 16/06/2008
  being home for the summer has been very nice so far. we got season passes to carowinds and i've already been twice in a week. i took caesar to school for an afternoon so i could sign my contract. he liked playing in the sandbox. we grilled out at my friends' house while caesar and harley, their doberman, played. it was harley's birthday celebration, so in true birthday fashion they had doggie ice cream together! and caesar loved it! i got an ipod and have been loading all my music on it for the past several days. yep. it's been a good summer break so far...  
06:59pm 04/06/2008
mood: happy
we're in cleveland today. it's nice to be back for a while. my grandparents and great aunt and uncle had their 50th anniversary celebration this sunday. i'm amazed how nice it was. my family really pulled it off. i'll have good memories of this time always. monday was tony and my first anniversary. it was really nice too. i think we are going to take a separate trip later in the summer to celebrate alone. leaving cleveland tomorrow to go to memphis for the night. then back to nc. i miss my baby boy. he has to get his last shots for the year on saturday. then i can take him to the school to meet people! little caesar,if you are reading this, i love you and i'll be home soon baby!
09:10am 23/04/2008
mood: just a little down
tom waits on tour again? i need some dates man! tell me where you're gonna be and i'll come! (please say you are coming to nc!)

i miss all my friends from home. very much.

i want to do something fun, but you see i have to go to work. we are planting a garden with the kids today if it doesn't rain.

somebody tell me something good... i want to hear some good news.
It's raining!!!   
09:39am 25/10/2007
mood: contemplative
finally, after months of dryness, it decides to rain. it started yesterday. i'm super excited! i hope this brings cold weather to us. 

i'm home alone today. no work for me. school is out on account of teacher conferences. tony is at work now, and so is my uncle. my aunt left for a dog show yesterday with her two greater swiss mountain dogs. she's going to show darby this time. hopefully they will win something. my uncle is leaving tomorrow morning to visit his family. so that means tony and i will have the house to ourselves this weekend. and we won't have to take care of dogs, either. 

as the weeks wear on, i'm just ready for christmas to be here. i'm ready for my two week break from work, and i'm ready to go home.  sometimes when i drive to work, i think about people i know and imagine that i see them passing me on the road. i miss having familiar faces around me. it's so hard to make friends when you don't know anybody in town. 

today i need to go to the grocery store. and maybe look for some good ideas for christmas presents. i want to buy a tape recorder. but maybe that's just because i'm reading "Visions of Cody". oh well, i can at least see how much they are.
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slap that kid upside his head!   
08:37pm 13/09/2007
mood: happy
 i feel like i'm getting better at my job. and that's boosting my confidence more and making me want to work. i'm excited that i'm working in such a supportive environment. all the ladies i work with are super-cool and nice. i've never had a job where the people were nice to me. at least i don't feel like they are only being nice to my face. i don't mind going in at 2pm anymore either. it's a little harder when i have to substitute though, because that means i have to be there from 8:30am to 6pm. it's hard getting used to that. but i've done it everytime i've been asked, thus increasing my paycheck and increasing my employers' trust in me. double whammy. and on top of it all, the kids are so cute. even if they are little devils sometimes. they are only 3 and 4 years old, so you can't really blame them. they don't know any better. some days they can be so sweet, and other days i'm glad when their parents come and get them. all in all, i like my job and i'm glad it's the job i have now. it's been good for me, even if i have complained about it a bit.

also, today was a holiday, so no work for me! happy rosh hashana everyone! what did i do to celebrate? my aunt took me to get my very first manicure. weird. i felt really strange even going into a nail salon because i would never normally do that, but i have to say that my french manicure looks rather nice. they did a good job. maybe next time i will try a pedicure. (although the thought of some strange lady rubbing my feet and legs makes me cringe.) ha!
what is going on?   
01:25pm 09/09/2007
mood: strange
strange and curious things are happening all around us.

i, for one, would like a little inner peace.

what happened to my contentment? did i just lose it somewhere? or was it stolen?

is it possible i could have mistaken contentment for complacency? yes, possible. but probable? not so sure.
11:18am 20/08/2007
  i'm getting my hair cut today. short again. it's too much of a hassel to keep pushing it back out of my face and all. and to have to straighten it every day.

i'm jealous of anyone who gets to go to class this week. is that weird? i miss school. i really do. i like learning new things. and i want to take more art classes. i just want to be able to do something creative now. i miss having friends too.

awwww, peaches.
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07:41pm 14/08/2007
mood: happy
so....things have been busy here.

we moved from crystal lake, il to charlotte, nc. big change. it was a quick decision that turned out to be the best thing for us. i'm really glad we are here now. things are going well.

i finally got a job last week! i'm a teacher's assistant for a local private school. i've been going through teacher orientation this week and have met a lot of sweet, new people. i'm really excited about this job because it is the first job i've had where i actually like the people i work with. (and i think they like me too.) i'm going to be helping with the after-school program for the preschoolers. that should be interesting considering i haven't had much experience with children that young besides my brother and cousins. a classroom of thirty 4-year-olds is going to be alot different than babysitting one or two at a time.

i'm excited about all the changes going on in our lives right now. i'm hoping that in the next few months we will be completely on our own and in an apartment. that would be nice. and then maybe we can get a puppy! that's all i really want out of life. a home and a puppy.
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06:20pm 23/06/2007
mood: jealous
i hope everyone is having a good good time at the farmhouse tonight. i'm sad i can't be there right now. being in crystal lake hasn't really made tony and me want to stay here, unfortunately. i just hope we can find some cool friends soon and maybe move to a bigger/more art-centric town. all this place has to offer is rich retirement-aged people and their bratty teenage children and grandchildren. and a barnes and noble. pretty much like any rich suburb i've ever visited.

anyway, i shouldn't be sad that all you guys are having fun and hearing good music without me. after all, i got invited to go to a 14-year-old's "graduation" party. she's moving on up to HIGH SCHOOL,guys! isn't that amazing? yeah....i chose to stay home tonight. (good thing about this place...free margaritas.) cheers all!
02:29am 10/05/2007
you can't apologize for 400-fucking years of oppression